let go

So I hold on,

Like a kid waiting on a porch for her father to come home.

I cling to your memories, holding you against my chest like a mother scared to let go of her child.

I berate my heart for remembering you like you once were,

Not how you are now.

So I grasp your fading existence like slippering sand in my tired fingers,

I tighten my fist one last time as each grain escapes the crevices of my hands.

I am tired; there's no point in lying,

But who am I if not a fragment of what you left behind?

So I carry you in my tears, in my heart.

I carry your laugh, your words, the crinkle in your eyes when I made you smile.

When my memories betray me and morph your words into cruelty,

I berate my heart for remembering the truth of you,

because who are you if not the best I ever had?

So I wait for you,

To text a reticent 'hi', to call me on my birthday, 

To show me something that reminded you of me.

I wait. My heart bleeds out, and my mind gives up.

But you never come.

So, I switch off the porch light and step inside,

but I was never good at letting go.

I still carry you, still wait for you,

still am you.

...so I hold on.